Saving Grace
by MorganBella13
Summary: As feelings of guilt from her abortion torment Clare, she can't stop herself from returning to an old habit. Can Eli save her before she does something drastic? Sequel to Fade Away.
1. Chapter 1

She stared at the little pink plus sign, her heart sinking more and more by the second. This couldn't be happening.

Tears welled in her eyes as she walked out to the living room, leaving the test in the bathroom. She laid down on the couch.

She couldn't believe this. She was a junior in high school. She had her whole life ahead of her. What the hell was she going to tell Eli?

She pulled up the sleeve from her sweater, staring blankly at the scars from before. The little reminders that those things really happened to her. That this was real, even if she didn't want it to be.

Ever since she stopped, things had been hard. But she was able to refrain, thinking of Eli. Until now. She wanted to cut so badly.

She wanted to see the deep red blood begin to escape her wrist. She wanted to feel the blade slicing through her skin. She wanted to feel the relief.

She remembered so vividly. She remembered the knife. She remembered pressing it against her wrist. She remembered dragging it across. She remembered the relief and then the panic when she realized she had cut deeper than the last time.

She got up shakily and walked to the kitchen, pulling out the sharpest knife she could find from the drawer.

Her heart raced as she pressed the knife against her wrist and slid it across. Her breaths became jagged as relief washed over her. The deep red color formed in a straight line.

She looked at the clock. Eli would be home any minute. She quickly bandaged her wrist and pulled her sweater sleeve down.

What was she going to tell him? How was he going to react? She suddenly heard the door swing open as Eli walked in.

"Hey, what happened to you at school? Why'd you leave early? Decide to skip without me?" He teased lightly as he put his backpack on the floor.

"I-I didn't feel very well." She whispered, sitting next to him. Eli's brows furrowed in confusion.

"What's wrong?" He asked, brushing a stray hair out of her face.

"I actually need to…tell you something." She said, her hands shaking slightly. "I'm pregnant." She stated quietly, searching Eli's face for his reaction.

His lips parted slightly, as if he was going to say something, but he didn't. He just stared at Clare, his face frozen.

"W-what?" Eli stuttered out. For once in his life, he was at a loss of words.

"I'm pregnant." Clare repeated. Eli held his hand up.

"Please. Don't say it again. I'm already nauseous enough as it is." He said quietly. He was trying to get a grip of this whole thing. Clare was…pregnant? He was going to be a father? No. No. No! This can't be happening. He was a fucking senior in high school.

"W-what should we do?" He asked, looking down at her hands placed gently on her stomach.

"I don't want to keep it, Eli. This…thing will ruin our lives." She whispered. His focus snapped to attention. _Clare Edwards_ wanted an abortion?

"Are you…are you sure?" He asked. Clare shook her head.

"I don't think I'll ever be sure of anything." She whispered, leaning her head against his shoulder.

"I just know that we can't handle a baby now. We just can't." She said. Eli nodded.

"Just take some time to think, okay?" He said quietly. Clare sighed.

"Yeah…I, uh, I'm gonna go for a drive. I need to clear my head." She got up, kissing Eli lightly and grabbed the keys off the counter.

As she drove, she knew in her gut that what she was about to do was wrong. She knew it would change things. But she pulled up to the clinic anyway and let out a shaky breath as she took the keys out of the ignition.

_**SavingGrace**_

Eli paced around the living room, running his hand through his black hair. Clare wanted to get an abortion? He had actually gotten her pregnant.

Suddenly the door slammed open and Clare walked in, tears streaming down her face.

"I killed it." She whispered quietly, sitting on the couch and putting her head in her hands. Sobs racked her body as Eli sat down next to her.

"Hey, look at me." He said softly. "Everything will be okay." Her sobs grew more hysterical, the immense hate she felt for herself growing more and more. There had been a child growing inside of her and she just killed it. She was a monster.

"Everything won't be okay, Eli." She cried. "I'm a murderer. I'm a monster." She leaned into him, her body quivering as he wrapped his arms around her.

"Listen to me, Clare. You are not a monster." He said, pulling her closer to him. She wiped her eyes.

"How can you possibly think that?" She questioned, looking up at Eli. He began stroking her hair.

"Because I know you. I know who you are. And I know that you're not a monster. You could never be." He said quietly.

"But…I'll never know if that living being would have been the best thing to ever happen to me. I'll never know if it was a boy or a girl. Eli, I killed it. It's dead." She sobbed.

"Clare, it's okay. Everything will be okay." She shook her head and pulled away from Eli, getting up from the couch.

"I'll be right back." She said, running to the bathroom. She took quick breaths as she grabbed a razor from the counter. Her pulse quickened. The room suddenly seemed smaller as she pressed the razor against her wrist.

She dragged the razor across and felt it slice through her skin. She savored that feeling as the blood began to drip down slowly. She watched the color as more and more began to form. She examined the cut from earlier, turning a black-ish color.

She promised herself she wouldn't go back to the blade. She promised herself she wouldn't do this. But she couldn't _not_ do it. At this moment in time, her will just wasn't strong enough to resist.

Above anything else, she couldn't let Eli find out that she had relapsed. Then he would know for sure that she was crazy. He would know that she wasn't right in the head.

She had just killed her baby and was slicing her skin open to feel better about it. That wasn't normal. _She_ wasn't normal. But she couldn't lose Eli. So he couldn't know. He could never know.

She was back to playing the game. She was back to keeping secrets. She was back to holding everything back, only to find release in the blood and the pain. She was back to lying to everyone around her.

And she couldn't stop. She didn't want to stop. She didn't want to give up what she was doing. Although she remembered some things vividly, she had forgotten how it seemed to make everything a little better.

Eli didn't suspect a thing. He wouldn't. He was so busy with SAT prep and waiting for acceptance letters for college. It allowed Clare to fall deeper into this hole she had dug for herself. She wasn't sure if anyone could pull her out this time…

_You see these cuts and bruises  
Isn't this all so amusing  
I feel the emptiness of just another day in hell_

My life is so confusing  
Do this to myself I'm losing  
I guess I'm only proving what every one can see but me

And i wont let myself be happy  
I cut myself just to feel the pain  
And i wont give up anything for you  
I'm going down and no one can save me  
I'm going down and no one can save me

I am cold my legs are shaking  
There's no hope right now I'm begging  
Just one sign to show me someone out there really cares  
My clothes are soaked up crying  
There's no doubt i know I'm dying  
I did this to myself and that's the part i cant believe

And i wont let myself be happy  
I cut myself just to feel the pain  
And i wont give up anything for you  
I'm going down and no one can save me  
I'm going down and no one can save me  
I'm going down and no one can save me

These cuts and bruises are all self inflicted  
These cuts and bruises are all self inflicted  
These cuts and bruises are all self inflicted  
These cuts and bruises are all self inflicted

And i wont let myself be happy  
I cut myself just to feel the pain  
And i wont give up anything for you  
I'm going down and no one can save me  
I'm going down and no one can save me  
I'm going down and no one can save me  
I'm going down and no one can save me  
I'm going down and no one can save me


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: I have been so MIA for a really long time and I am so sorry. I swear to you guys that it will never happen again. I've been dealing with some things that were happening in my life that weren't exactly ideal, but I promise it won't happen again. All of my other stories will be updated soon. Hope you enjoy this chapter!**

She just wanted to be left alone. By everyone. The screaming in her head kept reminding her that she was a monster. She didn't even deserve to live after she had taken the life of another living creature. Why had she killed it? What was wrong with her?

She pondered her emotions as she waited for Eli to get back from school. She had skipped her last class, just wanting to rest. The door swung open and he walked in.

"I don't see how you can skip school so often and still get perfect grades. It's not fair." He teased as he threw his bag on the couch. He walked over to her, pressing his lips to hers. She immediately reciprocated. When he pulled back, she shot a questioning glance.

"What was that for?" She asked, looking up into his brilliant green eyes. He didn't respond, only pressed his lips to hers once more. Caught in the heat of the moment, she didn't realize he had pulled her sweater off. She pulled away.

"You know, this is what got us into trouble in the first place." She breathed out with a glimmer in her blue eyes. He laughed and began to kiss her again. She didn't notice he had grabbed her wrists until he pulled back sharply. His hands were closed tight around the bumpy cuts, feeling them.

She pulled her arm away from him and hit it behind her back, as if that would stop the inevitable. His green eyes burned in fury as he stared at her with a questioning glance. He grabbed her arm again, holding it tightly despite her struggle for him to release her.

He twisted her arm around and stared at the cuts. He was sick to his stomach. Some were criss-crossed, overlapping each other, with dried blood still on them. There was one, right at the very top of her wrist. _Eli_ carved into her skin. A fresh cut, too deep, ensuring that it would forever be there. He almost threw up just looking at them.

"Eli, I can explain. I just-" She began, but even she couldn't justify why she started cutting again or how she could possibly explain a single one of the marks on her arm. She sighed in defeat and pulled her arm away.

"I don't want your goddamn excuses, Clare. You promised me you weren't going down this road again. You promised." He said, a pained expression on his face. He was angry, upset, shocked, disappointed. He didn't know what to do with himself.

"I know, I just…I don't know anymore. It's not an easy thing to stop doing, Eli. It helps. It helps me." She whispered, glancing down so she wouldn't have to look at his disappointment anymore.

"Who the hell is this helping? It's just making things worse!" He yelled, a little louder than he intended. Clare flinched and stepped back. But that didn't stop Eli from practically exploding in fury.

"And what the fuck is this?" He yelled, grabbing her arm and pointing to his name freshly carved into her wrist. "Why the fuck is my name cut into your wrist?" Tears were running down her face as she stuttered out a response, but she was shaking so hard that it was completely incoherent.

She took off running out the door and Eli turned, stunned, and didn't follow for a moment. He was completely shocked and couldn't understand why she would start cutting again. But then he chased after her, looking down the street to see her running away. He jumped into Morty and drove after her, looking around as he drove. She had vanished.

He had driven for almost an hour when he finally found her at the park, on the ground, laying against a tree. He parked the car and got out, running towards her. She didn't even look up at him, still crying her eyes out. He sat down next to her and took her in his arms, holding her close.

"I'm sorry I blew up like that. I just care about you." He whispered in her ear as her body shook violently. Her face was streaked with tears she didn't want to shed anymore.

"Shh, it's okay, baby. C'mon, let's go home." He said, picking her up and carrying her back to the hearse. He sat her in the seat next to him and she leaned her head against the window.

"Clare, I really need you to stop doing this shit. It's not helping." He whispered to her. She sucked in a jagged breath before finally finding her voice.

"You wouldn't understand, Eli. You just wouldn't, okay? I can't just stop. It's not that simple." She muttered in an irritated tone. He clenched his fists around the steering wheel. She was so stubborn sometimes. And she couldn't afford to be stubborn about something like this.

"Well, then we'll get you some help, okay. We'll figure this out." He said, looking at her briefly before turning his attention back to the road. Clare's hands shook.

"I don't need any help! I'm fine!" She practically yelled at him. He tried to stay calm, somewhat failing when he snapped at her.

"Obviously you're not fucking fine if you're cutting yourself to shreds." He said angrily, stepping on the gas pedal. Clare flinched and shrank back, trying to make herself disappear from Eli's view.

"Would you just fucking stop? I get it. You're disappointed in me. Stop reminded me that I'm a screw up." She snapped back, closing her eyes and leaning back. She just wanted to vanish or sleep for a thousand years, locked in a glass coffin where no one knew where the key was.

"You're not a screw up. I just don't want you to do this to yourself. You're better than this." He whispered. Tears began to well in Clare's eyes. She wasn't better than this. She used to pop pills and drink like crazy. She tried to kill herself and killed her own baby. If anything, she deserved it. She deserved the pain she inflicted on herself. Eli didn't understand that.

She remained silent for the rest of the ride home and immediately locked Eli out of their bedroom, forcing him to sleep in the guest room when they got home. She didn't want to deal with him. She didn't want to deal with anything anymore.

_Wake up it's time__  
__We need to find a better place to hide__  
__Make up your mind__  
__I need to know I need to know tonight___

_Sweet and divine__  
__Razor of mine__  
__Sweet and divine__  
__Razorblade shine___

_Patience my dear__  
__We could spend a lifetime waiting here__  
__Maybe this time__  
__I hope I get the chance to say goodbye___

_Sweet and divine__  
__Razor of mine__  
__Sweet and divine__  
__Razorblade shine___

_Day after day__  
__Cutting away__  
__Day after day__  
__But anyway___

_Wake up it's time__  
__We need to find a better place to hide__  
__Make up your mind__  
__I need to know I need to know tonight___

_Sweet and divine_


End file.
